World May Be Hell But I Found My Heaven Here
by tattered weather
Summary: This is more-over about Ennis life after Jack's death, and how he copes with his pain, and Alma's hatred for him.
1. Chapter 1: All That Was Left

**Author's note: Hey everyone, I have been working on this book for almost a full year now. I have more chapters than posted, I'm just doing a little tweaking. Reason it took me so**

long to write this book is because I have been very devoted into making this the best book I could possibly ever write. I've spent time watching the movie over and over so this

book fits perfectly in with the movie so no one will get confused, and the movie happened, there's no getting around what the movie presented us with so I made this a puzzle

piece to the movie after weeks and weeks of watching it and making important notes. The movie did not do justice in the end, when Jack died, there were no logics behind that

idea. So I'm here to bring it justice. As for the rest I have not stolen any ideas from other brokeback mountain fanfics, because I have not read one yet :) as for copyright and

what not, this is not part of the original storyline. I, in no way, own brokeback mountain copyrights or anything else, the end. Please review and enjoy. 

Chapter 1

August 14th 1978

It was a warm sunny day, strange for august weather in this part of town. Ennis peared out Jack's window from his old bedroom, watching the wind carry the clothes hanging from

the clothes line. Even still with Jack gone from his old room for so many years, it smelled just like him.

He slowly turned his gaze to the closet. All of his old clothes, even from the time he was a small boy were in that closet. Even his old boots. He picked them up, carefully sliding his

hand over the old worn out shoe, but something else caught his eye. There was a warm subtle feeling in Ennis' heart as he softly caressed his jacket, kissing it. Reminiscing back in the

days when they wrestled together tugging on eachothers clothes like two young boys in the middle of summer. So many thoughts raced through his head as he slowly paced his room,

"_Damn __son of a bitch, you had it all this time.." _He lightly smiled as a tear rolled off his cheek. He couldn't believe he was really gone, if only he would have known that was the last time he

was to ever see him again . . things would have been different. He would have put more effort into seeing more often; he would have listened to his reasoning instead of always shaking

it off . . well it was too late now. He looked down at his empty bed, it still had a crease in it from where Jack once slept. He longed to feel his arms around him, telling him in his soft

reassuring voice like he always did, "_Hey . . everything's gonna be OK."_

His bed was soft. He slowly fell back in it and all these intense feelings he was holding back came rushing through him like waves. Sorrow, guilt, pain and regret. Every emotion he

could possibly feel took control of him like a whirlwind. Just like the first time he laid his head on his chest. Somewhere deep down he knew Jack would be upset if he saw him like this, but

he couldn't control it. He wrestled his head under his covers, he could feel his hot breath as his heaves grew louder, and louder. He felt like someone had taken a torch and lit it in his

chest. This feeling was insatiable. Eternal. He couldn't take it, "DAMN IT!" he groaned slamming his fist into the side of his head, "DAMN IT! DAMN IT!" he repeated punching the sides of

his temples.

He started thinking about how Laureen told him he died. How he got in a tire accident, and it broke his jaw. He knew that was bullshit. _"Jack was too damn smart for that, ain't nothin'_

_he couldn't really do." _How she sounded so emotionless, as if it didn't bother her. She probably found out about the two of them, and that's why she didn't care.

He slowly pulled himself away from the bed now pacing the room. He started thinking about what he daydreamed about, the day he called Laureen. It didn't make sense. If she had

really known about the two of 'em why didn't she sound angry when he told her who he was. She treated him as if he was just another friend of Jack's, nothing added up. He envisioned

Jack getting beaten to death by a group of men; violently kicking, and hitting him like he was some wild animal. He started thinking back when he was a young boy looking down on a

man that had been punished and brutally killed by being dragged by a horse. He may not of known how Jack died, but he did know one thing for sure, his idea of what happened made a

hell of a lot more sense to him, than what he was told, even if it was just a crazy thought he dreamt up in his head.

Suddenly there was a soft knock at the door. Ennis quickly pulled the covers up on Jack's bed, making it look as how he left it. _"Can I come in?"_ a soft womanly voice called from the

other side. Ennis wiped up his face throwing Jack's clothes on his bed, "Yea, sure com' on in."

The elderly woman slowly stepped in the room carrying a little brown bag in her hand. Jack looked nothing like his parents, but his mother had that same soft spark of blue in her

eyes that Jack had. It made it difficult for Ennis to look directly at her. She gently put her hand on his arm, "I want you to have this." she said trying not to choke up."

Ennis reached his hand out to grab the soft brown pouch, "What is it?" he murmured.

She gently tilted his chin making him lock eyes with hers, "Their Jack's ashes. I know how much he lov'd that place, he talked 'bout it all the time, he talk'd 'bout you all the time too, I

know you were one o' his best friends." she whimpered wiping a tear away from her cheek. "I need you'n to take 'em back up with ya, it's what he would've wanted."

He grabbed the small brown bag abruptly from her wrist clenching on to it as if his life depended on it. "Don't worry 'bout it." he mumbled walking out the door. "Wait!" she softly

growled pulling on his shoulder, "You can't just walk on outta here like that, if my husband sees ya with it, you'll be in a heep o' trouble. You need somethin' to put it in."

Ennis wasn't thinking about leaving, he was just so disoriented he didn't realize what he was doing, "Right." he mumbled looking around the room for whatever he could find. "I'll put

'em in this." he said firmly holding up Jack's blue, button-up.

"Where did you find this?" she asked as if she'd never seen it grabbing it by the sleeve.

"It don't matter." he replied turning it away from her to wrap the brown cloth bag in the shirt. He didn't mean to come off so rude, that was the last thing he wanted to do in front of

Jack's mother, but knowing he now possessed his ashes, and his shirt, that's all he really wanted when he first got there, more than their approval of him.

She wrapped her hands tightly together, "Well, alright, we best be gettin' downstairs b'fore my husband suspects somethin'." She replied grabbing him by the arm, pulling him down

the stair case. She hesitated for a moment pressing her hand against his chest, _"Let me go first."_ she whispered.

He gently folded the two shirts up with the ashes into a big brown paper bag. It seemed so unreal that everything he had ever come to care about, the only thing that depicted who

he was, was now in this small brown paper bag.


	2. Chapter 2: Finding Peace From Home

**Author's Note: Okay Everyone I know my first chapter was really long, but that was my prelude to the beginning of where he movie really left off with him and Jack, I'm really trying to extend my chapters here by adding more detail so I hope this works out right.  
**

Chapter 2

After the conversation with Jack's father he quickly walked out letting the door shut behind him, he was right about his pop being a rough neck. He started thinking about how

resentful Jack always seemed when he talked about his pop, and how he never came to see him at the rodeo. In a way, he really didn't want to leave this house, because it held so many

memories of Jack; memories he would never know about.

He also knew the car ride back home would be long, but he didn't care. He just wished he still had Jack's old truck. The same old truck he watched disapear, before he stumbled off in

the alleyway. Right after he got done fixing it (his own personal way of an apology). There were so many memories in that old truck, the miles they spent just driving; they didn't have to

say a word to eachother, they could just look at eachother, and they somehow knew what the other one was thinkin'.

* * *

_-Flashback _-

Ennis lay his head back on the head rest in the old truck. He could see in the corner of his eye Jack was watching him, as he puffed smoke from his mouth. He slowly turned his head

to look back at Jack, but he had already turned his attention back to the road. Ennis also looked away to the window as if somethin' caught his attention as he licked the top part of his

teeth with his tongue. He started to feel nervous. It had been four years since he had last seen Jack, so this was the first time since then they had gotten the chance to meet up again. "

. . Gotta lot o' mountain's up in Texas, Jack?" he asked trying to sound casual.

"No . ." Jack replied as if he weren't fully listening. Something else was obviously on his mind. He looked bothered, and he knew he did as he glanced up in his rear view mirror. Ennis

looked back over at him to see his attention was still fully set on driving, but then he did something unexpected. He quickly swirved his truck into the parking lot of an old hotel, and

hopped out of the car shutting it behind him as he walked inside. Ennis just sat back completely thrown off by Jack's actions, but he knew better to go inside with him so he stayed out in

the car until he would come back.

_ "What in hell?"_ Ennis thought as he watched the front lobby doors from the truck.

Five minutes later he watched Jack come back through the doors, walking around the side-post of the hotel. He roughly pulled the collar up around his neck as he motioned for Ennis to

follow him to room #315.

_ "What tha hell is he doin'?"_ Ennis mumbled to himself. Without further question he also hopped out of the truck and cautiously followed Jack to the same room, making sure no one

was watching him as he flicked out his cigaret.

It was cold and cloudy outside. It smelt like autumn. The birds weren't even singin', but it was still beautiful. Ennis could see his breath in the winter air. His fingertips were numb as

he slowly twisted the metal doorknob open. Jack was putting a small bag of clothes away in the closet casually, as he turned around to face Ennis nodding as in a matter-of-factly, "We'll

stay here, it's gunna get cold if we stay out their fishin' all night . ."

Ennis wasn't sure how to respond to this statement, but it was obvious he didn't bring him in for this reason. Jack twisted his boot into the rug lightly kicking it. It was obvious he

wanted something more, but for the first time in a long time, he wasn't sure how to act around Ennis.

Ennis took a step closer to him, trying to lighten him up, "You bringin' me in here just to tell me that Twist?" he asked with a slight smirk.

The tention between the two of them was so sharp; you couldn't cut it with a knife, after a while of complete silence Jack forcefully grabbed Ennis by the belt. He reacted by jerking

his hands off of his belt and clutching the sides of his shirt pulling him into him. They were both chest to chest. Jack pulled on the side of his face mashing his nose into his, while Ennis

grasped the side of Jacks ear. They began to passionately make out rough, letting their tongues explore the other persons mouth. Jack retreated slamming Ennis in the chest with the

palms of his hands onto the bed. .

* * *

_-Present_ -

Ennis shook his head, tapping the sides of his temples with his knuckles. He couldn't let himself go there. The memories were too painful. Everything he had was gone, but

he wanted this pain. He wanted to feel it, because he knew when it stopped, he would stop caring; but that could never happen. He wanted to forget this day ever happened, the day he

got the phone call. He would have rather Jack never come to see him again, then to find out from someone he never met that he was dead. He looked down at the brown bag in the seat

next to him. This sick, strong feeling of guilt overwhelmed him, he could feel a rush coming up through his stomach. He tried paying attention to the road, but everytime he came to a stop

light he couldn't help but look down at the brown bag in his front seat.

"Damn it." he bitterly groaned gently laying the bag in the back seat, but it felt wrong. That wasn't were Jack belonged. He should have been the one driving, not Ennis.

A small hazy liquor store on the left side of the road caught his attention, "_**Marty's Bar**__" _There were a lot of motor-bikers there which only spelt trouble for Ennis, because he

despised people like that. Watching them grope strange women, talking them into coming back to their place so they could rape them, and drink their night away. But more than anything

he hated them for their ignorance, and what they would do to him if they ever knew. He angrily looked away, but the feeling of guilt was still riding strong in him. He couldn't shake off this

torment, and he knew the only way he could get rid of some of it was to drink.

_ "Fuck it."_ Ennis bitterly spat, and he pulled his car into the lot. _"A few shots, and you'll be fine."_ he assured himself.

The place was packed, and it looked even more hazy on the inside as he strained his eyes through the smoke. Normally this wouldn't bother Ennis, because he smoked all the time,

but the air was so thick he could barely see his hand in front of his face. The only open booth seat, was in between two biker chicks that looked like they've been around, he didn't care

as long as he could get a drink.

"Got anything strong?" Ennis yelled over the loud music playing through out the bar. The old bartendar weazed a laugh, "Do we, I'll fix you up. Don't you worry."

Ennis stroked his brow with his fingertips as he wenched his eyes tight together. All he could see, all he could think of was Jack, and that dumbass grin he always had on his face."

"Try some o' this the bartendar shouted proudly, slamming the glass mug down on the counter.

"What's in it?" Ennis shouted back staring at the strange orangish color.

"It don't matter if it fixes you up, and buddy lemme tell ya haha! You look like you could use a drink."

It smelt god aweful, and it burned his eyes just sniffing it, he didn't care. He chugged the whole glass, leaving the bartender a little shocked, but nontheless impressed.

"Got any more of these?" Ennis asked pushing the mug toward him.

"Fella, that stuff you're drinkin' there is _Ever Clear_ mixed in with some _vodka_, you sure you want more of that? Cause too many of those and your a dead man."

Ennis snapped at his response grabbing him by the neck of the shirt, "Just shut the fuck up and get me somethin' else to drink."

The man could see something real bad happened to Ennis, he looked furious. His deep, dark brown eyes looked like he had been to hell and back.

"Okay, okay, no need to get nasty." He replied drawing back in defense.

Ennis watched as the room started to spin, strange women started pulling on his shirt, "Hey mister, you care to dance?"

"I ain't no dancer." Ennis slurred laying his head against his shoulder.

"Awe, come on; we could have some fun." another woman whispered in his ear tugging his earlobe with her teeth.

"I ain't no fun, I can't dance; I told ya." he slurred again in frusteration.

"_I could teach you._" she replied whispering in his ear. "Come on!" she yelled grabbing him by the hand. He tried to stand up, but ended up falling over two chair stools behind him.

Both of the woman giggled as they helped pull him off the floor, he slouched over on one of their breast as they started to fall back with him.

Just then a man grabbed her by the arm, "What tha hell you think you're doin'?"

He searched her eyes for an answer but she couldn't say anything but stutter.

"He was tryna take advantage of her!" her friend shouted across the room jokingly.

"Oh he was, was he?" He spat kicking Ennis in the face. "We'll see how you like it!" He grabbed Ennis up by the shirt, who was now only half concious. He couldn't feel the pain as the

man dragged him outside to beat the livid' shit outta him. He couldn't feel anything, and for one moment in a long time. He felt peace.


	3. Chapter 3: Out With Old, On With New

Chapter 3

The sun slowly peaked over the horizon. The concrete parking lot was completely empty, and the breeze was ice cold as Ennis slowly woke up from his slumber. _"Well dumbass, this_

_is what you get for not facin' your problems." _a voice whispered to him in his mind as he tried to make focus with the sky. His eyes were still glazed over from the night before, and his

whole body felt numb to the weather. Sharp pains shot through his jaw, and his back as he rolled over coughing up clotted blood. His mouth was so dry he felt like his teeth were

grinding against clumps of sand. Still. He knew he had to get up, he felt like a fool for getting knocked out in the parking lot, and he started to wonder if anyone had seen him. Reaching

his hands out to push himself up he groaned and winced, trying to ignore the sharp pains now hitting his ribs. His shirt had tears in them with blood seeping through the sides, and his

pants had a big tear in the knee cap where he slid across the concrete.

"_I must be pretty banged up._" he thought to himself as he hobbled back to his car. "_At least they were kind enough to leave me my hat._" he whispered sarcastically under his breath,

brushing it off. It didn't help that his pants and shirt were clinging to him from the blood stains, and the cold winter air as he collapsed sideways in his car groaning.

He resented his life so much at this point, Alma wanted nothing to do with him, much less two of his daughters. He had lost the most significant person in his life, and this is where

he ended up: this shit hole. He lightly laughed out of desperation as his cold breath fogged up the corner of the window.

He quickly shook his head as tears formed in the corners of his eyes, _"No point in feelin' sorry for yourself Ennis."_ he thought to himself bitterly as he started the car. He hated crying,

much less this pitiful empty feeling he had growing in his chest. He was always alone for the most part of his life; so it never really bothered him, but this was a different kind of alone,

one he could never shake off.

Memories started forming in his mind as he quietly drove home. Memories of his father and how he used to help him on the farm with his older brother. He remembered how one day

his father got so angry at him, because he had accidentally kicked over a bucket of fresh milk; he hunched over and punched Ennis in the gut. He remembered bein' somewhere in

between 10 or 12 years old and how he started crying; his pa made sure to straighten him out real quick. _"Boy! Get off that damn ground and pick that bucket up! You wanna be man? Well_

_grown men don't cry boy." _he snapped grabbing Ennis by the shoulders, standing him up on his feet. From that day on, Ennis made a promise to himself he was gonna make his daddy real

proud of him.

_ "Well you sure turned out to be somethin' huh?"_ Ennis quietly mumbled to himself. Ennis started imagining Jack sitting next to him, telling him, _"He was bein' too hard on hisself."_ He

didn't care, for all he knew; it was his fault that he was dead. This guilty sinful thought drove him crazy as he repeatedly hit his head into the steering wheel.

After an hour of driving, _"Finally home." _He thought as he pulled in to the drive-way.

His body hurt like hell as he started running some hot water. He didn't even realize he had grabbed the brown bag out of the back seat before he came in the front door. He laid it

on the stool as he slowly pulled off his boots and buckle; wincing as he reached for a towel out of the cabinet. He tongued the side of his cheek as he looked in the mirror at his mouth,

it's a wonder he wasn't missing any teeth as he gargled and rinsed, spitting out blood. He looked in the mirror at his bruised, and cut up face. He wasn't thinking about anything at this

point. He was tired of thinking, too tired to really do anything.

After taking a long hot shower, he crawled into his bed with Jack's shirt holding the small brown pouch close to his chest. _"I'll never let you go Jack."_ he softly whispered out loud.

* * *

~_Back at Alma's house~_

Alma and Ted watched as two little girls played in the front yard. The youngest was swinging on the old swing set, and the oldest was playing hop-skotch with two of her best

friends. _"They sure __are getting' big!"_ Ted boasted with a wide grin on his face. Alma nodded in agreement as she lay her head on his chest. They were both sitting on the new porch swing

Ted made them a couple months back. The girls adored Ted, he was fairly easy to get along with, completely oblivious to most things, but loved those girls with all his heart; all three of

'em.

"Sure was nice of ya to take them girls out today while I was workin'" Alma gestured warmly smiling up to him.

"_Aw it was nothin', anything for my girls! I'm just happy knowin' you aint sick no more."_

Alma really appreciated that Ted was so generous, sometimes it was a little too much. She wasn't used to having bein' weighed on hand and foot. He payed attention to her, and

listened to everything she had to say, even when she was hoping he wasn't. He never argued back with her, when she got emotional, or had a bad day; and he always made her

breakfast in the mornings. He was a great cook, and a great dad. Something Alma really came to love about him as well.

The night came fast as the oldest girl slowly crawled up the stairs for bed. "Lue Ann, you need to be getting' yourself ready for bed." Alma prompted.

"Aw, mama can't I stay up just a little bit longer?" the youngest asked tilting her head to the side.

Ted nudged Alma under the arm, "Aw, come on hun; just let her stay up just a little while longer."

"Well...alright, but just for a little while and no longer!" Alma replied with a warning.

"Yes, momma."

Alma and Ted were now cuddled deep in the couch listening to their favorite radio station, drinking hot coffee. Something seemed to be on Ted's mind so it was a little surprising to

Alma he was being so quiet, normally he tells her what's going on. Before Alma could ask Ted broke the silence.

"Sometimes . . when you're alone and i'm off doing somethin' . . do you ever, y'know . . think 'bout him?" Ted asked awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

Alma's oldest daughter Junior quickly looked away from ted, and continued knitting uncomfortably shifting in her mother's old rocking chair.

Alma turned her eyes away the same time as Ted, it took her a while before she could find a response, he could tell it bothered her to talk about Ennis, because her body froze up,

and her face turned pinkish, "Sometimes I find myself still thinkin' bout em, not that it matters much."

Ted looked down in his lap, with his eyes searching for some answer, "What's that s'possed to mean?" he asked turning to her.

Alma jerked the empty coffee cup down in her lap, "Ted, I was burnt the worst way, any woman could have possibly have been hurt, he'll burn in hell for what he's done." she

menaced bitting her lip. _  
_

Ted lay a soothing hand around her shoulder, "Hun, I love you, and you know that, but no man should have to burn in hell for mistakes they have made."

The look in Junior's eyes were soft, and sad, it made her wonder how her own mother felt towards her considering she was always closer to her daddy, and it didn't help matters

much that she looked just like him.

The little girl was now focused on their conversation as she pulled on the side of Alma's dress, tears started to form in her eyes, "Momma, is Mr. Del Mar going to the bad place?" she

choked. Alma completely forgot her daughter was still in the room. She picked her daughter up holding her next to her chest, "Oh hun, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that." she

repeated shaking her head, but she did mean it; and she regretted even taking it back. She pulled her daughter away from her chest and stared her directly in the eyes, "He is just a very

bad man sweety, nothing like Ted. Aren't you glad we got someone like Ted in our life?"

The little girl nodded now falling over on Ted's chest. Ted gently rubbed the top of the little girl's head, "Com' on baby girl, let's get you to bed."

Alma followed in behind him as he threw her over his shoulder. Junior made sure to shoot her mother a cold glare as she walked past her. Alma knew it hurt Junior when she talked

like that, but she couldn't help it; her daughter had no idea how much she truly despised that man. Ted gently laid her down in the bed. He waited until she was fast asleep before he

said anything. "You really shouldn't be talkin' bout Ennis like that in front of the girls."

"Well I wouldn't had said anything if you didn't bring it up." Alma whispered slightly louder, trying to get her point across.

Ted turned to face her, "I'm just sayin' it's not good for 'em, and I just wish you and Ennis would stop all this nonsense, and at least try ta get along." he confirmed patting his hands

on the sides of her arms.

"I'll never speak to that man." Alma said firmly planting her feet where she stood. "He has done nothin' but hurt us, and he's not gonna be hurtin' us no more!" she revolted louder.

Ted could see tears forming in the corners of her eyes, he knew she meant it, but he also knew if things continued to follow this way, it would only make it worse.

He pulled her into a hug whispering in her ear, "I love you, but I think you're bein' selfish. I don't know what he did, or what you'ns history is, but you can't let it effect the girls

like this."

Alma didn't reply, deep down she knew Ted was right, it was just hard for her to come to an agreement on this. She never wanted to see that man again, but she knew from day on

after the divorce she would have to, if she ever wanted her family to be happy, and not have all this drama in their life.

"Fine." Alma bitterly retorded, "I'll go see him tomarrow, the sooner the better; then I'll never have to look at that low life piece o' shit again."

Ted lightly chuckled, "That's my girl."


	4. Chapter 4: The Visit

Chapter 4

* * *

_~Ennis' Dream~_

_ Ennis woke up finding himself in a serene, wide opened field. He shifted his gaze and there was lush green grass as far as the eye could see. It was peaceful, but something didn't feel right._

"Where's Jack?" Ennis shouted as the sun raise beat down on his brow. He could hardly see anything, The sun was shining so bright he couldn't see anything in front of him now. He quickly

shielded his eyes with his hand as he searched the open field. Up ahead he saw something. It was someone running, "Jack?" Ennis called outloud. Jack kept running, looking over his shoulder at

an angry mob of men chasing after him. "Jack!" Ennis now shouted running towards him. He ran faster than he ever did before, "Jack!" Ennis shouted again, out of breath. 

_ One of the men striked him in the face and the others were now kicking him on the ground. "Leave him-..a-lone!" Ennis gasped. It seemed the faster he ran, the more the men overwhelmed_

Jack, and before long he he couldn't see him at all. Ennis could feel tears forming in his eyes as he striked the side of his fist against his own cheek, "Damn it, Jack no!" Ennis shouted feeling

complete desperation. "Come on!" Ennis yelled at himself. Come o-" he fell rolling sideways on his shoulder. He slowly glanced up afraid of what he might see. 

_There was nothing. No Jack. No angry group of men. The sun gleamed across the sky, making Ennis shield his eyes once more. He looked up again, but this time he saw a man. Standing on_

top of a hill looking down at Ennis, with his warm brilliant smile, and his warm, dark blue eyes. It was Jack, he didn't look fearful, but almost as if he was telling him in some form of way through

his expression, "Hey...everything's gonna be OK."

_ Ennis slowly stumbled to his feet as he staggered towards Jack. He felt his heart beat faster as he started to approach him. "Jack." Ennis softly cried as now the men were face to face; he_

reached out to touch him, but in the distance he could hear a bell ring.

* * *

Ennis shot awake in bed, sweating with tears streaming down his cheeks, his breathing increased as he searched the room disoriented. _"Wha-"_ he mumbled as the bell rang again.

He realized at this point it was the doorbell.

He quickly jumped out of bed and started getting dressed, wiping the tears away from his eyes; putting on his boots. After he threw the covers back over his bed he raced across

the room.

The bell rang again. Ennis peared out from behind the curtain, Alma's eyes instantly shot a glance at Ennis.

_ "Fuck!" _Ennis spat, biting his lip hard as he said it. He knew he couldn't ignore her, she had already seen him. He didn't give it a second thought. He quickly ripped the door opened,

"Yea?" he asked, in a nervous tone; his slit, dark, brown eyes widening.

Alma ignored his ill manners, and stepped through the door past Ennis. Ennis stood there staring blankly at the open road as she made her way past his shoulder. He searched with

his eyes, feeling completely screwed. In aggravation he turned around slamming the door hard behind him. It made Alma jump a little as he mumbled, "Sorry . ."

"May I sit down?" Alma asked, as if it were obvious he should have already asked that of her.

Ennis felt like a dumbass, "Yeah, sure go on and take a seat." he gestured sitting across from her on the only two sofa's he had in his small trailer.

Alma rolled her eyes, but didn't let him see it. It took a while of silence before she could think of something to say, "I see you still have that same ol' hat."

Ennis glanced over at his hat sitting on the cofee table, he gave a quick light smile, "Yeah, I know I should prob'ly change it out for a new one but I can't get rid o' the ol' damn

thing." he lightly laughed, obviously nervous. "Holds too many mem'rys y'know?" he lightly laughed quickly jumping up off the sofa to go make coffee. She could tell he was nervous, by

the way he was acting so fidgety.

Alma quickly called, "I'm not here for your coffee Ennis." Ennis was a little taken back by this, and still a little sore after the fight they got into about Jack. _"Well I'll just make my own_

cup then." he mumbled feeling slightly rejected.

"We need to talk." she replied as she turned her head to watch him come back towards the couch. He could feel tention tightning up in his shoulders as he began to sit down. _"Shit_

now what?" he growled to himself collapsing in the cushion. "What?" he felt like he was repeating himself.

"I just want you to know -" she started trying to find a way to choose her words wisely as she collasped her hands together. "I'm trying real hard not to stay angry with you

anymore Ennis Del Mar. I don't think I'll ever forgive you, for running off with that . . that" she stuttered blinking furiously.

Ennis' looked at her sternly and determined as if his face were saying, _"Just try goin' there."_

Alma couldn't hold back her frusteration, "You left us for that (you know what) and forgot your girls, and left them; and you gave me them outta no love, no reason at all! Other than

just to have 'em, you can see why I'd be so – pissed off!" she ranted shaking her head furiously.

Ennis could feel his face turn red hot as he slammed his mug down on the coffee table, "I ne'er left them girls! I ne'er didn't try with you! I did try Alma, I tried real damn hard. It was

you'n that I couldn't deal with, _you_ turned me against ya!" he growled accusingly.

Alma was in disbelief, "HOW DARE YOU!" she screamed jumping up, beating on his chest with her fist, "How dare you try ta fuckin' tell me that, you no good piece o' shit! I hate cha! I

hate cha and that damn faggot you went chasin', leavin us behind! You're own damn family!" she screamed hitting him as hard as she could.

Ennis was so angered, he couldn't feel the blows she started throwing at his face, and his neck,

"Get outta my fuckin' house." he roared grabbing her shoulders shaking her wildly. He wanted to hit her bad, it took all the dignity he had left in his body not to.

Her eyes widened in fear as he started shaking her harder, "Get the fuck out!" he growled spitting the words like venom in her face. He reeled back his face gritting his teeth, but

before he could hit her he quickly shoved her out the door.

Alma retaliated by banging on his window. He ripped the curtains down to see her giving him the middle finger. He kicked the door as hard as he could, as she jumped running back

to her car.

_ "Stupid fuckin' bitch."_ he muttered looking down at his torn down curtain. _"I need a drink." _he thought to himself grabbing his jacket and his old hat proudly as he firmly pulled it down

over his head.

The place was crowded, as usual. There were women every where dancing, in their short denim jeans, and their high boots as he took a step in. He knew one thing for sure, he

didn't want to have to put up with another one. He didn't even want to look at another one, as much as he resented them at this point. He cautiously took a set at the booth pulling his

hat down over his eyes, hoping no one would approach him. Too late, "Howdy stranger." a woman cooed sitting herself next to him.

_ "Shit_." Ennis groaned puckering his lips to the side. He ignored her, as the bartender passed him a bottle of booze.

"Arn't ya gonna say somethin'?" she asked turning her bottom lip down, and grabbing his leg. He twitched shifting uncomfortably.

"Aw, your shy, I like the shy ones." she smirked gliding her hand up closer to his crotch. Ennis pushed his hand down her wrist making her pull her hand away, "I ain't the fun type."

he exclaimed sarcastically.

She was taken back by this, "Oh, I bet ya are, I'm already havin' fun wit ya and I haven't even got yur name." she chuckled pulling on the side of his shirt.

He did admit, he liked the attention he got from the women. It made him feel more like a man, and made him feel a little more secure about himself. He shot her a quick smirk as she

pulled her lips together like she ate somethin' sour.

"I can be a good girl, if that's what ya lookin' for." she whispered softly pulling him into a kiss. Ennis hesitated, he didn't want to kiss her; he already felt like shit.

"Naw, I can't do this." he mumbled pulling away from her.

She was now frusterated, she couldn't tell if he wanted a good girl, or bad; so she went with her instincts. "Sure ya can." she said as she pulled on his waist.

He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere trying to explain himself, he'd just look like a bigger jackass. He quickly pulled himself up out of the booth as he stormed out of the two

double doors.

"What the hell was that about?" looking completely befuddled.

Ennis took his booze with him as he went to another bar. From that night on he spent hours just getting waisted, throwing up whatever he chucked down. Why did his life have to

be so fucked up? He found himself walking on the side of a bridge that overlooking a big stretch of road. The bridge was pretty high up, and it was colder outside then he last

remembered.

All he could think about was how he got to this point in his life. How did things get this messed up. He wished he was back on Brokeback, where life was simple, and he had the only

person he really ever wanted. _"Jack."_ he whispered to himself, pulling his hat off his head as he sat on the edge of the bridge. "Damn it Jack, I wish you were here." he quielty said to

himself with resentment, and guilt. Memories started to resurface as he closed his eyes and hunched into a ball with his arms resting over his knee caps; his head furrowed down in his

chest.

* * *

_ "AHHH!" Jack shouted jumping on Ennis who was washing his shirt in the lake. Ennis jumped as he fell back in the dirt, "Damn it Jack! You scared the shit outta m-" before he could_

continue Jack aggressively jumped on him again wrestling the shirt out of his hand. Ennis playfully pushed Jack back onto his back straddling him. "Think you're so tough cowboy." Ennis grunted,

as Jack managed to throw him off. Jack didn't reply he just playfully laughed out loud as he picked up Ennis shirt popping him with it in the sides of the legs. They were both only wearing their

jeans, buckles, and boots as they chased eachother wrestling. Ennis fell on top of Jack as he quickly ripped his hat off to hide a quick forceful kiss on the lips.

* * *

Ennis smiled to himself, as he rubbed his head staggering to his feet in his drunken stuper. _"Jack fuckin' twist." _Ennis whispered sweetly as he slowly made his walk back home.


	5. Chapter 5: Letting Go

__

Chapter 5

His hands were chafed, and his mouth still had sores from being beaten and left in the parking lot. He was surprised lookin' back on it that Alma

never said anything about it. She had to have seen the cuts and bruises, on his face before she left the house; or maybe she just didn't care, but

this wasn't the main thing Ennis had going through his mind. He really didn't think it mattered one way or another, considering she didn't mean

nothin' to him no how. It was his girls, that was the only thing he cared about now.

He rubbed his neck as he winced his eyes, but not because of his physical pain. His heart hurt from all the memories he constantly wrestled with in

his mind. He hated thinking the worst had happened to Jack, he hated himself for not listenin' to what he said. If only he would have tried to see

him more, he would have never ran off all the time with that bud of his from Texas. He hated that thought. He would never admit it, but he still w

wondered what happened between the two of 'em. If Jack felt better about him, than he did Ennis, and if they spent their nights together all the

time. He wanted to go kick his ass, or at least let him know what he was messin' with. He would have never went to Mexico, he couldn't imagine

Jack doin' something like that; and he wouldn't be where he is now. Ennis wanted to kick his own ass for all the times he didn't listen to Jack, he

should have ranched up with him on his daddy's "farm" he wouldn't have cared no how anyways, even if he left his wife, he wouldn't have

expected somethin' not unless they got stupid and careless about it. He was sorry for sayin' what he did. He told him he would get him killed if he

ever came to know what happened in Mexico. _"God, Jack I didn't mean that." _he whispered to himself rubbing his head across his knuckles as he st

staggered along the sidewalk. He started thinkin' about how Jack said he was messin' around with another man's wife, and how Laureen and that  
man both would probably shoot him if they ever found out. What seemed at the time as a meaningless joke, about him gettin' shot . . for all he

knew that coulda happened just the same. Ennis never stopped to think Jack could have been talking about him. Surely Jack knew him better than

that, Ennis thought. Surely Jack knew how he felt, cause he told him so hisself.

He pushed open the door to his house, swinging his hand off the doorknob. He didn't even bother to take off his clothes as he collapsed in his

bed.

"Where are ya." he mumbled searching for Jack's ashes. He slipped his hand under his pillow to firmly grasp the small pouch bringing it to his lips

to kiss it. He wrapped the sleeves of Jack's old blood stained shirt around his waist as he deeply inhailed whatever smell left of Jack there was in

it. "Goodnight, Jack Twist." Ennis whispered nestling his head into the shirt.

_

* * *

_

Ennis' Dream

_Ennis pulled himself up off the lush green grass. The sky was dark and cloudy as they sun tried to peak it's way up over the mountain top. In the_

distance, Ennis could hear men shouting, and hollering as Jack cried out, "Ennis, please!" Ennis didn't hesitate. He kicked the dirt up with his boot as he

raced across the open field, "Jack!" Ennis shouted, but his voice was mute. He tried shouting as loud as he could, but he couldn't hear anything

anymore; all he could see was Jack laying on his back as a crow bar was taking blows to his face. He ran faster, feeling the adrenaline pumping

throughout his body. Just as he had in his last dream, he fell down, but quickly scurried to his feet. "Where tha fuck are ya you son of a bitches?" Ennis

could finally hear the desperation in his voice as it echoed through the fields. There was no one there. Nothing but a black misty sand rising off the lush,

dark, green grass. Ennis slowly crawled towards it. Biting his lip hard realizing they were Jack's ashes. "No" he began to cry, scooping them up in his

hands, "Fuckin Jack!" Ennis cried out holding them to his face.

_Just then he felt a cold hand placed softly on the back of his shoulder. He whirrled around, ready to jump whoever it was. Jack shushed him, stroking the_

back of his hand against Ennis cheek. This felt so real, so good; this couldn't possibly be a dream, Ennis thought to himself.

_"Jack.." _

_"Shh, it's okay partner..I'm here." Jack smiled holding the side of Ennis' ear._

_Ennis shook his head as tears streamed down his cheeks, "Jack, I wanna go with you, I - I want to stay with you, Jack."_

_He warmly smiled exploring his eyes, "Why don't you then? I haven't left you yet Ennis Del Mar, and I have no intention on doin' it yet."_

_

* * *

_

Ennis gasped for air as his eyes shot wide open. His voice felt scratchy, and sweat was soaked through his wifebeater, and pajama bottoms. "It

was all just a stupid fuckin' dream." Ennis mumbled bitterly under his breath. He cleanched his fist tight, throwing the covers off his bed. Then he

started throwing stuff across the room venting his frusterations, and anger. He jerked the lamp off the nightstand and slammed it hard against

the wall. He broke the leg off shaking it wildy at the ceiling, "You up there? Huh? You tryna fuckin' mess with me Jack Twist?" he shouted slamming

it into the drywall. He then grabbed the small brown pouch with Jack's ashes, he reeled back his fist, but he couldn't throw them. He stood there

for 10 seconds staring at his own shadow of what he was about to do. He collapsed by the side of his bed, too weak to shed another tear. He

then heard those same words again, just as if Jack were saying them to him, _Why don't you then?"_

Maybe it was the alchohol, maybe it was him desperately needing to feel him touch him again, either way Ennis didn't think about it twice. He

quickly grabbed up his old jacket and hat and proceeded out the door.

The drive there felt short, maybe he did more thinkin' than he thought he did, either way none of it mattered. He was now standing on the cliff,

where him and Jack first jumped into the river. He remembered how afraid he was of heights, and how Jack talked him into it. It had now frozen

over completely, and the ice formed on top was roughly at least five inches deep. The night sky shimmered with stars, and for the first time in

Ennis life, he felt like he was doing somethin' real important.

* * *

__

Flashback

_Jack was now holding Ennis, after they fight they had just gotten in to. Jack had just told Ennis about Mexico, and Ennis told him how his life was just_

messed up. "I can't stand this anymore Jack." Ennis cried. "I know." Jack softly mumbled. "I just ca-" Ennis tried gasping for air through the heaving.

Jack knelt down to look Ennis directly in the face, he grasped both sides of his face with his hands, and now tears began falling from his own eyes. Ennis

looked away, but Jack pulled on the side of his face again. They both began breathing hard as Ennis stared at Jack's collar, messing with the buttons.

"Ennis, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." he started to choke, repeating over again.

_His head fell on the side of Ennis' shoulder, as now Ennis started to comfort him, "Jack I -" Ennis started, stiffening up his lower lip not to cry anymore._

"I furgive ya . ." He couldn't tell him what he was really going to say, he started feeling a sick feeling rise in his stomach as he held onto Jack's collar. Jack

shook his head violently, "No, don't furgive me." he quickly replied. Ennis pulled his head up to wipe his tears with the sleeve of his shirt, "We gotta pull

togeth'r . . we caint let this get the best of us,. . . an' you know that." Ennis said with a very firm look on his face. There was a brief moment of

hesitation before Jack nodded in agreement, "Alright. . ." he mumbled under his breath.

_Ennis couldn't be there any more, he quickly pulled his head towards him, kissing him firmly on the forehead, "I'm gonna miss you Twist." He replied_

with a warm hearted smile. Jack just stared at his lips, holding on to the sides of his shoulders. He leaned in to kiss him, but Ennis quickly rose to his

feet and told him he would be seein' him in November. He quickly walked back to his truck and left Jack standing there, watching him leave.

_

* * *

_

Ennis looked down at the icy river as crystals glimmered from the moon. He pulled out the small brown bag from out of his pocket, rubbing his

fingers around the sides. "We'll be together again." he whispered kissing the small bag. He slowly pulled the strings open watching some of it

disperse into the night air. He poured the ashes over his own shirt, before shouting, "An' this'ns for you Jack Twist!" he didn't hestitate a second

longer as he quickly jumped off the cliff, crashing through the well formed ice berg below.

The impact was hard, blood and ashes washed over his face in the freezing waters he was now sinking under. He hit the ice with such force it

rendured him unconscious.

His last thought, were some of the last words he got to say before Jack left, "It's cause of you that I'm like this!"


End file.
